Critical Me

Can I blame it on my parents? My friend Lee is right, I am very critical; it has an effect on everything I do in my life. Being critical is a lack of release. I must be in control. I am drawn to imperfection in what others do, in their art, in their lives. I am as critical on myself as I am of others. I have to live with my imperfections and deal with those of others. I measure out things. Everything must be in proportion to something else. I can’t just complement someone on what they do no matter the outcome. I have to analyze it. Take it apart; I search for imperfection when I should instead be grateful and happy. I am alone.

I struggle with faith. I’m critical of it. It too must be in proportion. Growing up I was promised this and that, a house to live in with every little kids dream of a fire pole to slide down from the upper floors, but it never happened. It does not exist. Day after day I felt my dreams shattered. I hate it when people (parents & others) give you false hope.

Broken promises.

Maybe that’s why I have a “believe it when I see it” attitude and I am a fan of fiction over nonfiction writings. Who cares about self-help? I can live in a world of fantasy where my heart is not broken and even in disaster their is promise, good triumphs over evil and the lot.

That fire pole is like God to me and when my seeing is believing attitude gets in the way my relationship with God suffers. It’s like this raise at work. I’ll believe it when I see it. Commission on top of pay? Right. I have been hearing that for the last year, as well as the paid vacation and a day off etc… I want to stick my finger up at the world. Hate is consuming my heart. I despise liars and therefore hate myself and everyone else. Yet there is love, which is likely the most confusing emotion of all. In love you find God, you find hope. Who wants love? God.

In our imperfections we grow right?

I’m a critical, seeing is believing kinda guy. I find it difficult to except things on faith. Words are meaningless to me. They are empty. Action, now that’s where things happen. When we as people, not just Christians, take action anything is possible. I imagine myself looking at that fire pole, the secret passages throughout the house, the wonder and amazement little boys have. I look at the loneliness, the hurt & pain. I wonder about the mental & physical abuse, the exposure to things no child should ever experience. When I look back I see why I am so critical of that fire pole, of life. I can see why I will struggle with my faith until the very moment I stand before Christ.

Where is God on your fire pole?

~ by Dan Browne on February 14, 2007.

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